The Twilight Saga

The Twilight Saga.... Where do I begin?

Actually I'll begin with this. I have read all four of the books, I have seen the first two movies and I am currently planning to see the third one. Therefore no fan can use the excuse 'well I bet you haven't even read or watched Twilight' Because I bloody have. I've been through my fair share of torture.

Now, when the first Twilight movie came out I had never heard of the thing. So being a film buff and a book buff I decided to watch it. Of course I read the book first, I didn't want my perception of the character to be tainted by the directors vision. However, after reading the books and watching the film I decided that I cannot fault the casting of Twilight. Edward Cullen seems like a pathetic, self-obsessed, confused person with the personality of cardboard. Robert Pattinson was ideally cast. The same with Bella Swan, she is a vain, unloving, selfish, whiny bitch. Therefore Kristen Stewart was also ideally cast.

One of the things I cannot understand about Twilight is that most of the girly fans seem to see the relationship between Edward and Bella as 'perfect'. My first question is...how? Firstly they want a relationship where if the guy tries to get down and dirty with them then their body will break from sheer power (which, by the way, does actually happen) and for a bit on the side they want a man who can turn into a puppydog at any given moment. Now, for example, lets say that Bella does have sexual intercourse with Jacob. What happens if he gets too excited and accidentally loses control over this power. He could turn into a wolf at any given moment during intercourse. Now that would be traumatic... actually it brings a new meaning to the position 'doggy style'.

I also cannot fathom how the relationship between Edward and Bella is anything beyond physical. Bella claims she loves Edward, which is hard to believe by itself, but what really takes the biscuit is that in the second film she says how much she misses and loves Edward while groping Jacobs abs. Now if I were to go on holiday and my girlfriend was groping someones tummy while I was away then I would be pretty damn pissed. I just can't understand how she can 'love' Edward whilst taking any opportunity to manhandle Jacob.

Yeah, She so loves Edward, right?

Which leads me onto my next point. Bella is a fucking cocktease. In the second book/film Edward decides to leave Bella (Y'know while the vampires are out to get her) because he finds it too hard to protect her or some stuff like that.. My first thought would be to bitchslap Edward and tell him to man the fuck up. Nevertheless he leaves to go to Italy. Bella is too bloody co-dependent on Edward that she may as well be a child latching onto their parents leg as they get ready to leave for a special dinner. Seriously, she spends about 3 months just remaining in solitude and screaming in pain every...single...night. I just cannot understand how she can be so obsessed about Edward. Sure, she is meant to love him. But if she really loved him she would try to find him...or at least put some effort into getting him back.

Anyway, during this 3 month period she sees all these guys and gets them to do favours and stuff and then when it comes down to it she basically says to them that she can't see them because she misses 'him' (him being the douchebag of course). Then she meets Jacob. This is the guy I genuinely feel sorry for. He actually really likes her and wants to be with her. Although, any guy who is fine with a girl complaining about her boyfriend while trying to get down and dirty obviously has no brain work going on. So maybe my sympathy is misplaced. Anyway, Jacob is in love with Bella and does all this handyman work for her and he doesn't get any. Which was obviously his plan. He just wanted to get laid. Jacob tries to execute this plan by using any opportunity to show off his body. Seriously it's like 'Oh Bella you have fallen over, let me take my shirt off to help pick you up'. He just sells himself a bit too much. Bella could click her fingers and Jacob would stumble in, pants around ankles, taking his shirt off.

Bella had only stubbed her toe

So apparently Werewolves whore themselves out and Vampires are pussies...who knew? I guess this is what really annoys me. I remember a time where Vampires were genuinely feared. I'm talking about the times where Vampires were the reason why children wouldn't go out at night. The good times basically. But now, Vampires are the idea of a perfect boyfriend. Twilight is so shit that it has brought down the almighty Vampire. That isn't normal. Which leads me to my next point...

EDWARD IS NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care what the hell people say. Edward is not a Vampire. I can prove this with one very simple part of the saga. Edward is in Italy... He, for some reason, thinks Bella is dead (apparently calling to check is too hard) so he decides to get himself killed. However this can only be done by the Volturi (or Campires as I like to call them). He can only get them to do this by showing people that he is a Vampire. Edwards plan? To go out, strip down naked, step outside and everyone will see him sparkle... BULLSHIT!

Firstly who on earth would think that he is a Vampire when they see him naked and sparkling. If I saw a naked, sparkling man on the streets of Italy my first though would not be vampire. My first though would be naked sparkly man. Secondly, is it so hard to just jump on someone and suck their blood? At least then he will reach the headlines and make it obvious he was a Vampire. Finally, why not just piss off the Volturi by attacking them? Even though they appear to be camper than Elton John I am pretty sure they can do some damage. His plan just seems stupid.

Glitter buckets at the ready!

 I guess I can't stand the amount of hype this film gets. I can't stand if you ask anyone why they like these films then their only answer is 'Edward/Jacob is hot'. I can't stand how nobody can say anything good about this film from a film-making/book-writing perspective. I can't stand how so many boyfriends have had to accompany their girlfriends to watch this abomination. My heart goes out to these brave men. In conclusion this saga just...sucks.

Twilight: Killing men since 2008

'Naughty Bear' Review

First and foremost I would like to state that I was really hyped about this game. This game looked godly, as if it encaptured the thoughts and memories of everyone who destroyed their younger siblings toys as a child. Needless to say, I was excited about this game. My friend Liam was hyped as well. It looked fucking awesome!

If anything I feel sorry for my partner Katie, she spent £38 on this game for me (which I promise to pay back) and at first we thoroughly enjoyed the game.The idea of running around slaughtering loads of innocent bears sounded really fun. In fact the game does kind of get you to side with 'Naughty' bear. But you play about 5-6 levels and then you realise...

EVERY FUCKING LEVEL IS THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, this game has just given you 100+ level 1's. Each one ever has the same victims. There is little to no difference. Sure one might have Ninja bears (fucking awesome!) but they do absolutely nothing (fucking lame!). The game may as well just have one level and just leave it at that. The level designs are not different whatsoever.

Then you have the weapons. there are approximately 6 different weapons. And about 1 'overkill' for each one. Again, at first they seem fucking awesome but it does get boring after a while. Even if seeing a bear using a hatchet to carve another bears crotch in half is fucking hilarious, it still gets boring after seeing it for the 100th time. The animations for each kill do not change at any time.

Now you have the bears. This is a minor issue but it is still annoying nonetheless. There are no different characters. Now my first though is shit consistency. The first level is spent hunting down a bear named 'Daddles'. The second level is spent hunting down a bear named 'Chubby' and then I realise that Daddles has barricaded himself in a room. My instant reaction is one of epic confusion as I try to figure out how the bear who committed suicide in front of me in the last level is barricading himself in a room.

He's obviously a zombie *Thriller music kicks in*

Haha now you have the song in your head. Anyone who started singing 'Thriller' to themselves must now pay me in epic amounts of money. Anyway, one thing that really got on my nerves is that one of the little goals for one type of mission in levels 1,2,3,4,5,6 and 7 (there are 7 levels in total by the way) is to kill every bear on sight....THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DOING ALL THIS TIME!!!!! Do these people honestly think that anyone playing this game will NOT take advantage of being a psychopathic teddy bear and killing everything that moves?

The sad thing is that this game had a lot of potential. It just seems lazy. There are millions of things that would improve this game such as: weapon customisation, different levels, fuck tonnes of more bears, zombie bears, character customisation, zombie bears, weapons and zombie bears. Actually... come to think of it this game would have been fucking awesome if Naughty Bear decided he is the best, gets a time machine travels to different parts of history (which is in bear form of course) and kills everything. The possibilities there are endless: Samurai Bears, Ninja Bears, Zombie Bears, Mafia Bears, Spartan Bears, Zombie bears, Shaolin Bears, Vampire Bears, Zombie Bears.

In conclusion, this game is less than XBOX Live Arcade standard but costs nearly 10 times more than it would have done on Arcade. Fucking letdown.







ZOMBIE BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!