Actually I'll begin with this. I have read all four of the books, I have seen the first two movies and I am currently planning to see the third one. Therefore no fan can use the excuse 'well I bet you haven't even read or watched Twilight' Because I bloody have. I've been through my fair share of torture.
Now, when the first Twilight movie came out I had never heard of the thing. So being a film buff and a book buff I decided to watch it. Of course I read the book first, I didn't want my perception of the character to be tainted by the directors vision. However, after reading the books and watching the film I decided that I cannot fault the casting of Twilight. Edward Cullen seems like a pathetic, self-obsessed, confused person with the personality of cardboard. Robert Pattinson was ideally cast. The same with Bella Swan, she is a vain, unloving, selfish, whiny bitch. Therefore Kristen Stewart was also ideally cast.
One of the things I cannot understand about Twilight is that most of the girly fans seem to see the relationship between Edward and Bella as 'perfect'. My first question is...how? Firstly they want a relationship where if the guy tries to get down and dirty with them then their body will break from sheer power (which, by the way, does actually happen) and for a bit on the side they want a man who can turn into a puppydog at any given moment. Now, for example, lets say that Bella does have sexual intercourse with Jacob. What happens if he gets too excited and accidentally loses control over this power. He could turn into a wolf at any given moment during intercourse. Now that would be traumatic... actually it brings a new meaning to the position 'doggy style'.
I also cannot fathom how the relationship between Edward and Bella is anything beyond physical. Bella claims she loves Edward, which is hard to believe by itself, but what really takes the biscuit is that in the second film she says how much she misses and loves Edward while groping Jacobs abs. Now if I were to go on holiday and my girlfriend was groping someones tummy while I was away then I would be pretty damn pissed. I just can't understand how she can 'love' Edward whilst taking any opportunity to manhandle Jacob.
Yeah, She so loves Edward, right?
Anyway, during this 3 month period she sees all these guys and gets them to do favours and stuff and then when it comes down to it she basically says to them that she can't see them because she misses 'him' (him being the douchebag of course). Then she meets Jacob. This is the guy I genuinely feel sorry for. He actually really likes her and wants to be with her. Although, any guy who is fine with a girl complaining about her boyfriend while trying to get down and dirty obviously has no brain work going on. So maybe my sympathy is misplaced. Anyway, Jacob is in love with Bella and does all this handyman work for her and he doesn't get any. Which was obviously his plan. He just wanted to get laid. Jacob tries to execute this plan by using any opportunity to show off his body. Seriously it's like 'Oh Bella you have fallen over, let me take my shirt off to help pick you up'. He just sells himself a bit too much. Bella could click her fingers and Jacob would stumble in, pants around ankles, taking his shirt off.
Bella had only stubbed her toe
So apparently Werewolves whore themselves out and Vampires are pussies...who knew? I guess this is what really annoys me. I remember a time where Vampires were genuinely feared. I'm talking about the times where Vampires were the reason why children wouldn't go out at night. The good times basically. But now, Vampires are the idea of a perfect boyfriend. Twilight is so shit that it has brought down the almighty Vampire. That isn't normal. Which leads me to my next point...
EDWARD IS NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care what the hell people say. Edward is not a Vampire. I can prove this with one very simple part of the saga. Edward is in Italy... He, for some reason, thinks Bella is dead (apparently calling to check is too hard) so he decides to get himself killed. However this can only be done by the Volturi (or Campires as I like to call them). He can only get them to do this by showing people that he is a Vampire. Edwards plan? To go out, strip down naked, step outside and everyone will see him sparkle... BULLSHIT!
Firstly who on earth would think that he is a Vampire when they see him naked and sparkling. If I saw a naked, sparkling man on the streets of Italy my first though would not be vampire. My first though would be naked sparkly man. Secondly, is it so hard to just jump on someone and suck their blood? At least then he will reach the headlines and make it obvious he was a Vampire. Finally, why not just piss off the Volturi by attacking them? Even though they appear to be camper than Elton John I am pretty sure they can do some damage. His plan just seems stupid.
Glitter buckets at the ready!
I guess I can't stand the amount of hype this film gets. I can't stand if you ask anyone why they like these films then their only answer is 'Edward/Jacob is hot'. I can't stand how nobody can say anything good about this film from a film-making/book-writing perspective. I can't stand how so many boyfriends have had to accompany their girlfriends to watch this abomination. My heart goes out to these brave men. In conclusion this saga just...sucks.
Twilight: Killing men since 2008
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