'Prince of Persia' Movie Review

So, I'm standing there with Katie as we are deciding what movie to watch. We have limited it down to three movies: Twilight, Prince of Persia and Inception. It was about 11:00AM and I could not be bothered to sit still through about 2 hours of pure bullshit (I'm talking about Twilight of course). Inception... Well I wasn't in the mood to check out a movie I'm a bit iffy about. So the obvious choice left is Prince of Persia. Some may argue it is a bit late to have watched this movie and you know what? You're right!

This review is going to be hard for me to write because so far I've only been tearing terrible films to pieces. I actually liked this movie and only very few things bugged me. Furthermore, I'm trying to be objective about this film and trying to look at it from the perspective of a person who has never played the games. Although, I will say this: It is very refreshing to a watch a movie based on a game and feel that the director said 'So, we're going to make a movie based on a game... Here's an idea! Let's play the game'. The movie has taken what makes Prince of Persia great and turned it into a movie. I applaud Mike Newell for doing such a good job.

He totally looks like a man who plays Prince of Persia, right?

Now, we must move onto my first complaint. The start of the film is very, very fast paced. I've played the games and I was just trying to get my head round what the hell is happening. I can only imagine what it would have been like for someone who hasn't played the games. The film is literally 'Time is important, oh, look! a boy running, oh no he's been caught, oh, he's saved now!'. However, having said that, I guess Mike Newell was making this for the fans. It might be one of those movies where you need to have played Prince of Persia to know right off the bat what this is going to be about. Which isn't a bad thing (I guess). But it does limit down your demographic. Having said that, there is a nice bit of exposition. It's fast paced but it does sit down at random points and just explain what the hell is going on.

My second complaint? The acting is awkward at times. And when I say awkward, I mean fucking awkward. I actually sat there in discomfort at some points. Again, this is at the beginning of the film. And the acting does get better and better as the film progresses. On the other hand, it would have been nice to have some solid acting all the way through.

Okay, okay. The acting wasn't THAT bad.

There was one bit of the film that was meant to be really tense but it handled it in such a bad way.Spoilers are here by the way. Dastan and Tamina are climbing up this rock to stop Nizam from , more or less, destroying the world. However, Tamina gets knocked off and Dastan is holding her. So it turns into this situation where he either lets go and saves himself or they both fall. She of course sacrifices herself and you get the classic 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' thing going on. The thing that makes me laugh so much is how over-dramatic the 'NOO' is. Their literally screaming at the audience 'THIS SCENE IS BAD, FEEL SORRY FOR THE LONELY PRINCE!!!!'. It's just unnecessary.

As I wrote that last paragraph I remembered my last complaint. The film is too god-damn predictable at points. I was actually able to say what was going to happen, before it fucking happened. There was no tension. And I'm not talking about bits that are meant to happen from the game. But little bits like when the comedic moments are going to kick in. Who will come in next. It was like I was psychic for 2 hours.

One thing I cannot fault is the casting for The Prince. At first, I was a bit skeptical about Jake Gyllenhaal playing The Prince. Then he manned up and looked the part. He also had a bit of charm that we all know and love from the games. He did a very good job and should definitely be commended for his performance. I also liked Ben Kingsley as Nizam. He pulled that off very well. In fact, the majority of the cast did very well. I wasn't too keen on Gemma Arterton's performance but it wasn't terrible. It just needed to be polished up.

In conclusion. This film was nothing too amazing but, to be honest, I wasn't expecting a film that would take me on an emotional journey and make me think about time, destiny and how much power a man truly has. I was expecting an entertaining film and it delivered. I would definitely recommend buying this once it gets released on DVD/Blu-Ray. This film was very good.

The Fight Scenes were fucking awesome!

'Year One' Review

So imagine a scenario where a Director walks into an office and talks about a nightmare he had involving Jack Black and Michael Cera, and a script so bad he woke up screaming. Then the people in the office nod their heads and start making this into a movie. Ladies and Gentlemen, that movie is Year One...

This movie seems to lack charm, humour and wit and replaces it with repugnance, drearyness and the ability to make me vomit on demand. I saw this movie with my girlfriend Katie and we only saw it because we originally went to see a different movie but it wasn't in cinema anymore. Sounds silly I know, but if that didn't happen then you wouldn't get this lovely review, would you?

Jack Black plays a Hunter named 'Zed'. See, when I think of a Hunter I think of a smart, precise, strong, calm-under-pressure individual. But in this movie Jack Black is a dumb, annoying, fat individual (perfect casting?). Oh, and there is Michael Cera, who plays a gatherer (I think) named 'Oh' (I think). Michael Cera has little to no impact to the audience in this movie. In fact the movie has little to no impact on the audience whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people who went to see this movie actually left with amnesia of what happened over the past hour and a half.

They thought he was Michael Cera

Anyway, Jack Black has the hots for a woman and this is where I thought the movie had hit rock bottom (Keep an eye on the word 'thought'). Jack Black is pointing out the girl to Michael Cera and he basically explains how he is going to bone her. Michael Cera does the same with a girl he fancies. She's a blonde virginal type and is as thick as two planks of wood. Oh and she is a massive cocktease. Anyway as Jack Black is jerking one off they both agree that Jacks crush is a hottie and then she lifts up her arms and she has hairy armpits. Because hairy armpits on women are funny! Never thought that? GOOD!  Neither have I. At this point I should have really been praying that this wasn't a recurring joke... Don't worry the Director isn't that cruel.

Oh, before I forget I should really explain about two bits of this movie that really, really annoy me. Jack Black and Michael Cera are out doing something and they encounter a snake. Now it's a big snake, big enough to wrap itself around Michael Cera's neck (No I didn't mistake it for my hands) and look him in the face. Now that's a deadly snake. However it looks like it's about to attack then the scene cuts. To be honest I hoped this movie realised it was shit and decided to kill itself. However we then go to a scene where their eating dinner. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! You don't just 'get over' a snake bite...In the face! I'm pretty sure that it would cause a lot of harm. Not only that but this scene happens again... With a Sabertooth Tiger! Michael Cera gets pounced on by a Sabertooth Tiger and just takes it in his stride as if he just stepped on a slug. This movie sucks!

Anywho, Jack Black eats from a forbidden tree of knowledge (Because knowledge is bad?) and gets exiled along with Michael Cera. I think that the Chief was just looking for any old excuse to kick them out. I don't blame him really. Anyway, Jack accidentally sets fire to the village... As you do. Jack and Michael go wandering and come across a pair named Cain and Abel (Yeah, THAT Cain and Abel) played by David Cross and Paul Rudd (Mike from Friends). I don't actually remember much from this scene. I think Cain kills Abel with a rock by accident and he decided to run away with Jack Black and Michael Cera. Anyway, they took about stuff that has no relevance to the plot (That is probably why I can't remember what they say). Speaking of plot...Where is it?

This is actually a copy of the plot synopsis

Seriously, this movie seems to be going nowhere. The meeting with Cain and Abel plays more or less no important part in the movie. It just confuses people. Anyway, Zed, Oh and Cain see that the two hotties from earlier are being traded as slaves. Wait...What?! Slaves? Really? Why? (The word 'why' was uttered a lot during the movie) I think that the other people in the tribe were NOT actually being sold, they could have been. I just don't remember. Anyway, somehow Cain sells Zed and Oh into slavery. Yeah, Cain is a douchebag.

So the Slaves are being transported and then some people named 'Sodomites' attack. Why are they called Sodomites? Are they into Sodomy? Hopefully the film will explain. Zed and Oh somehow escape and watch as the Sodomites take all the slaves prisoners. I wish Zed was a brave hunter, then he would attack and probably get killed. If that happened then this movie may have gone into my good books. Anyway, they get distracted and the Sodomites have left with the prisoners. Yeah, I told you this movie was stupid. Now we meet a tolerable character (YAY!!!)

Zed and Oh decided to save the slaves and go off the rescue them. They then encounter Abraham (Played by Hank Azaria) who is hellbent on circumcising his son and, more or less, everyone. Hank Azaria actually has two funny lines. The film did actually make me laugh. Although, to be fair, the second laugh was one of the blooper reels played during the credits. So the second one doesn't count. Although, I dare you to find someone who doesn't laugh at someone saying 'one, two, three, foreskin'. So this film made me laugh once. The film isn't even funny bad, it's just bad.

Moving on, Abraham threatens to circumcise Zed and Oh. Naturally, they run away (this film involves a lot of escaping and running). They then get to a place called Sodom. Oh so that's why their called Sodomites. That makes sense. Anyway, Zed and Oh get captured and get threatened with Sodomy... Eww. Ah well, Can't be helped. Cain saves Zed and Oh as he calls them 'brothers'. He apologises for what he has done and offers them food. That's what I do when I sell my friends into slavery. I apologise and give them food.

Jesus was actually apologising for selling them all on Ebay

Cain offers Zed and Oh the opportunity to become guards. I can't think why. During Guard Duty they run into a woman named Princess Inanna. She is starving herself because the rest of the town is starving from lack of food. Which is a wierd. Surely, if the town you love has a food shortage, but the palace has so much food that even John Prescott would have to admit he was full after eating, then it would be better to... I don't know... HAND OUT FOOD?!?! This princess is stupid.

Zed sees that both of the hot girls as working as slaves and tries to think of a way to get them out. However, Oh is too busy massaging a big, hairy man. Not only is he massaging him but he is drizzling him in oil. WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHAT?!

Harold Ramis?!?! The guy who directed and wrote Groundhog Day?! The guy who wrote Ghostbusters?! The guy who directed and wrote Analyze this?! I have now lost all hope in humanity. This is a sad day. I can't write this anymore. I feel violated by this movie. In short, Michael Cera gets laid (not by big hairy man) and Zed turn out to be the chosen one. He denies this right (I told you he was stupid) and gives leadership to the princess. THE END!

This movie made me want to die.

The Twilight Saga

The Twilight Saga.... Where do I begin?

Actually I'll begin with this. I have read all four of the books, I have seen the first two movies and I am currently planning to see the third one. Therefore no fan can use the excuse 'well I bet you haven't even read or watched Twilight' Because I bloody have. I've been through my fair share of torture.

Now, when the first Twilight movie came out I had never heard of the thing. So being a film buff and a book buff I decided to watch it. Of course I read the book first, I didn't want my perception of the character to be tainted by the directors vision. However, after reading the books and watching the film I decided that I cannot fault the casting of Twilight. Edward Cullen seems like a pathetic, self-obsessed, confused person with the personality of cardboard. Robert Pattinson was ideally cast. The same with Bella Swan, she is a vain, unloving, selfish, whiny bitch. Therefore Kristen Stewart was also ideally cast.

One of the things I cannot understand about Twilight is that most of the girly fans seem to see the relationship between Edward and Bella as 'perfect'. My first question is...how? Firstly they want a relationship where if the guy tries to get down and dirty with them then their body will break from sheer power (which, by the way, does actually happen) and for a bit on the side they want a man who can turn into a puppydog at any given moment. Now, for example, lets say that Bella does have sexual intercourse with Jacob. What happens if he gets too excited and accidentally loses control over this power. He could turn into a wolf at any given moment during intercourse. Now that would be traumatic... actually it brings a new meaning to the position 'doggy style'.

I also cannot fathom how the relationship between Edward and Bella is anything beyond physical. Bella claims she loves Edward, which is hard to believe by itself, but what really takes the biscuit is that in the second film she says how much she misses and loves Edward while groping Jacobs abs. Now if I were to go on holiday and my girlfriend was groping someones tummy while I was away then I would be pretty damn pissed. I just can't understand how she can 'love' Edward whilst taking any opportunity to manhandle Jacob.

Yeah, She so loves Edward, right?

Which leads me onto my next point. Bella is a fucking cocktease. In the second book/film Edward decides to leave Bella (Y'know while the vampires are out to get her) because he finds it too hard to protect her or some stuff like that.. My first thought would be to bitchslap Edward and tell him to man the fuck up. Nevertheless he leaves to go to Italy. Bella is too bloody co-dependent on Edward that she may as well be a child latching onto their parents leg as they get ready to leave for a special dinner. Seriously, she spends about 3 months just remaining in solitude and screaming in pain every...single...night. I just cannot understand how she can be so obsessed about Edward. Sure, she is meant to love him. But if she really loved him she would try to find him...or at least put some effort into getting him back.

Anyway, during this 3 month period she sees all these guys and gets them to do favours and stuff and then when it comes down to it she basically says to them that she can't see them because she misses 'him' (him being the douchebag of course). Then she meets Jacob. This is the guy I genuinely feel sorry for. He actually really likes her and wants to be with her. Although, any guy who is fine with a girl complaining about her boyfriend while trying to get down and dirty obviously has no brain work going on. So maybe my sympathy is misplaced. Anyway, Jacob is in love with Bella and does all this handyman work for her and he doesn't get any. Which was obviously his plan. He just wanted to get laid. Jacob tries to execute this plan by using any opportunity to show off his body. Seriously it's like 'Oh Bella you have fallen over, let me take my shirt off to help pick you up'. He just sells himself a bit too much. Bella could click her fingers and Jacob would stumble in, pants around ankles, taking his shirt off.

Bella had only stubbed her toe

So apparently Werewolves whore themselves out and Vampires are pussies...who knew? I guess this is what really annoys me. I remember a time where Vampires were genuinely feared. I'm talking about the times where Vampires were the reason why children wouldn't go out at night. The good times basically. But now, Vampires are the idea of a perfect boyfriend. Twilight is so shit that it has brought down the almighty Vampire. That isn't normal. Which leads me to my next point...

EDWARD IS NOT A VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care what the hell people say. Edward is not a Vampire. I can prove this with one very simple part of the saga. Edward is in Italy... He, for some reason, thinks Bella is dead (apparently calling to check is too hard) so he decides to get himself killed. However this can only be done by the Volturi (or Campires as I like to call them). He can only get them to do this by showing people that he is a Vampire. Edwards plan? To go out, strip down naked, step outside and everyone will see him sparkle... BULLSHIT!

Firstly who on earth would think that he is a Vampire when they see him naked and sparkling. If I saw a naked, sparkling man on the streets of Italy my first though would not be vampire. My first though would be naked sparkly man. Secondly, is it so hard to just jump on someone and suck their blood? At least then he will reach the headlines and make it obvious he was a Vampire. Finally, why not just piss off the Volturi by attacking them? Even though they appear to be camper than Elton John I am pretty sure they can do some damage. His plan just seems stupid.

Glitter buckets at the ready!

 I guess I can't stand the amount of hype this film gets. I can't stand if you ask anyone why they like these films then their only answer is 'Edward/Jacob is hot'. I can't stand how nobody can say anything good about this film from a film-making/book-writing perspective. I can't stand how so many boyfriends have had to accompany their girlfriends to watch this abomination. My heart goes out to these brave men. In conclusion this saga just...sucks.

Twilight: Killing men since 2008

'Naughty Bear' Review

First and foremost I would like to state that I was really hyped about this game. This game looked godly, as if it encaptured the thoughts and memories of everyone who destroyed their younger siblings toys as a child. Needless to say, I was excited about this game. My friend Liam was hyped as well. It looked fucking awesome!

If anything I feel sorry for my partner Katie, she spent £38 on this game for me (which I promise to pay back) and at first we thoroughly enjoyed the game.The idea of running around slaughtering loads of innocent bears sounded really fun. In fact the game does kind of get you to side with 'Naughty' bear. But you play about 5-6 levels and then you realise...

EVERY FUCKING LEVEL IS THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, this game has just given you 100+ level 1's. Each one ever has the same victims. There is little to no difference. Sure one might have Ninja bears (fucking awesome!) but they do absolutely nothing (fucking lame!). The game may as well just have one level and just leave it at that. The level designs are not different whatsoever.

Then you have the weapons. there are approximately 6 different weapons. And about 1 'overkill' for each one. Again, at first they seem fucking awesome but it does get boring after a while. Even if seeing a bear using a hatchet to carve another bears crotch in half is fucking hilarious, it still gets boring after seeing it for the 100th time. The animations for each kill do not change at any time.

Now you have the bears. This is a minor issue but it is still annoying nonetheless. There are no different characters. Now my first though is shit consistency. The first level is spent hunting down a bear named 'Daddles'. The second level is spent hunting down a bear named 'Chubby' and then I realise that Daddles has barricaded himself in a room. My instant reaction is one of epic confusion as I try to figure out how the bear who committed suicide in front of me in the last level is barricading himself in a room.

He's obviously a zombie *Thriller music kicks in*

Haha now you have the song in your head. Anyone who started singing 'Thriller' to themselves must now pay me in epic amounts of money. Anyway, one thing that really got on my nerves is that one of the little goals for one type of mission in levels 1,2,3,4,5,6 and 7 (there are 7 levels in total by the way) is to kill every bear on sight....THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DOING ALL THIS TIME!!!!! Do these people honestly think that anyone playing this game will NOT take advantage of being a psychopathic teddy bear and killing everything that moves?

The sad thing is that this game had a lot of potential. It just seems lazy. There are millions of things that would improve this game such as: weapon customisation, different levels, fuck tonnes of more bears, zombie bears, character customisation, zombie bears, weapons and zombie bears. Actually... come to think of it this game would have been fucking awesome if Naughty Bear decided he is the best, gets a time machine travels to different parts of history (which is in bear form of course) and kills everything. The possibilities there are endless: Samurai Bears, Ninja Bears, Zombie Bears, Mafia Bears, Spartan Bears, Zombie bears, Shaolin Bears, Vampire Bears, Zombie Bears.

In conclusion, this game is less than XBOX Live Arcade standard but costs nearly 10 times more than it would have done on Arcade. Fucking letdown.







ZOMBIE BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!