'Year One' Review

So imagine a scenario where a Director walks into an office and talks about a nightmare he had involving Jack Black and Michael Cera, and a script so bad he woke up screaming. Then the people in the office nod their heads and start making this into a movie. Ladies and Gentlemen, that movie is Year One...

This movie seems to lack charm, humour and wit and replaces it with repugnance, drearyness and the ability to make me vomit on demand. I saw this movie with my girlfriend Katie and we only saw it because we originally went to see a different movie but it wasn't in cinema anymore. Sounds silly I know, but if that didn't happen then you wouldn't get this lovely review, would you?

Jack Black plays a Hunter named 'Zed'. See, when I think of a Hunter I think of a smart, precise, strong, calm-under-pressure individual. But in this movie Jack Black is a dumb, annoying, fat individual (perfect casting?). Oh, and there is Michael Cera, who plays a gatherer (I think) named 'Oh' (I think). Michael Cera has little to no impact to the audience in this movie. In fact the movie has little to no impact on the audience whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people who went to see this movie actually left with amnesia of what happened over the past hour and a half.

They thought he was Michael Cera

Anyway, Jack Black has the hots for a woman and this is where I thought the movie had hit rock bottom (Keep an eye on the word 'thought'). Jack Black is pointing out the girl to Michael Cera and he basically explains how he is going to bone her. Michael Cera does the same with a girl he fancies. She's a blonde virginal type and is as thick as two planks of wood. Oh and she is a massive cocktease. Anyway as Jack Black is jerking one off they both agree that Jacks crush is a hottie and then she lifts up her arms and she has hairy armpits. Because hairy armpits on women are funny! Never thought that? GOOD!  Neither have I. At this point I should have really been praying that this wasn't a recurring joke... Don't worry the Director isn't that cruel.

Oh, before I forget I should really explain about two bits of this movie that really, really annoy me. Jack Black and Michael Cera are out doing something and they encounter a snake. Now it's a big snake, big enough to wrap itself around Michael Cera's neck (No I didn't mistake it for my hands) and look him in the face. Now that's a deadly snake. However it looks like it's about to attack then the scene cuts. To be honest I hoped this movie realised it was shit and decided to kill itself. However we then go to a scene where their eating dinner. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! You don't just 'get over' a snake bite...In the face! I'm pretty sure that it would cause a lot of harm. Not only that but this scene happens again... With a Sabertooth Tiger! Michael Cera gets pounced on by a Sabertooth Tiger and just takes it in his stride as if he just stepped on a slug. This movie sucks!

Anywho, Jack Black eats from a forbidden tree of knowledge (Because knowledge is bad?) and gets exiled along with Michael Cera. I think that the Chief was just looking for any old excuse to kick them out. I don't blame him really. Anyway, Jack accidentally sets fire to the village... As you do. Jack and Michael go wandering and come across a pair named Cain and Abel (Yeah, THAT Cain and Abel) played by David Cross and Paul Rudd (Mike from Friends). I don't actually remember much from this scene. I think Cain kills Abel with a rock by accident and he decided to run away with Jack Black and Michael Cera. Anyway, they took about stuff that has no relevance to the plot (That is probably why I can't remember what they say). Speaking of plot...Where is it?

This is actually a copy of the plot synopsis

Seriously, this movie seems to be going nowhere. The meeting with Cain and Abel plays more or less no important part in the movie. It just confuses people. Anyway, Zed, Oh and Cain see that the two hotties from earlier are being traded as slaves. Wait...What?! Slaves? Really? Why? (The word 'why' was uttered a lot during the movie) I think that the other people in the tribe were NOT actually being sold, they could have been. I just don't remember. Anyway, somehow Cain sells Zed and Oh into slavery. Yeah, Cain is a douchebag.

So the Slaves are being transported and then some people named 'Sodomites' attack. Why are they called Sodomites? Are they into Sodomy? Hopefully the film will explain. Zed and Oh somehow escape and watch as the Sodomites take all the slaves prisoners. I wish Zed was a brave hunter, then he would attack and probably get killed. If that happened then this movie may have gone into my good books. Anyway, they get distracted and the Sodomites have left with the prisoners. Yeah, I told you this movie was stupid. Now we meet a tolerable character (YAY!!!)

Zed and Oh decided to save the slaves and go off the rescue them. They then encounter Abraham (Played by Hank Azaria) who is hellbent on circumcising his son and, more or less, everyone. Hank Azaria actually has two funny lines. The film did actually make me laugh. Although, to be fair, the second laugh was one of the blooper reels played during the credits. So the second one doesn't count. Although, I dare you to find someone who doesn't laugh at someone saying 'one, two, three, foreskin'. So this film made me laugh once. The film isn't even funny bad, it's just bad.

Moving on, Abraham threatens to circumcise Zed and Oh. Naturally, they run away (this film involves a lot of escaping and running). They then get to a place called Sodom. Oh so that's why their called Sodomites. That makes sense. Anyway, Zed and Oh get captured and get threatened with Sodomy... Eww. Ah well, Can't be helped. Cain saves Zed and Oh as he calls them 'brothers'. He apologises for what he has done and offers them food. That's what I do when I sell my friends into slavery. I apologise and give them food.

Jesus was actually apologising for selling them all on Ebay

Cain offers Zed and Oh the opportunity to become guards. I can't think why. During Guard Duty they run into a woman named Princess Inanna. She is starving herself because the rest of the town is starving from lack of food. Which is a wierd. Surely, if the town you love has a food shortage, but the palace has so much food that even John Prescott would have to admit he was full after eating, then it would be better to... I don't know... HAND OUT FOOD?!?! This princess is stupid.

Zed sees that both of the hot girls as working as slaves and tries to think of a way to get them out. However, Oh is too busy massaging a big, hairy man. Not only is he massaging him but he is drizzling him in oil. WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHAT?!

Harold Ramis?!?! The guy who directed and wrote Groundhog Day?! The guy who wrote Ghostbusters?! The guy who directed and wrote Analyze this?! I have now lost all hope in humanity. This is a sad day. I can't write this anymore. I feel violated by this movie. In short, Michael Cera gets laid (not by big hairy man) and Zed turn out to be the chosen one. He denies this right (I told you he was stupid) and gives leadership to the princess. THE END!

This movie made me want to die.